I like bikes too, but this....

Man admits to sex with bike Edinburgh, Scotland | October 28, 2007 12:01:13 AM IST A man who admitted having sex with a bicycle in a Scottish hotel has been placed on the sex offenders' register for breach of the peace. Robert Stewart admitted to the crime Friday in Ayr Sheriff Court and is to be sentenced next month, Britain's Telegraph reported Saturday. Stewart was discovered last October by two maids who entered to clean his room during a stay at the Aberley House Hostel in Ayr, Scotland. The accused was holding the bike and moving his hips back and forth as if to simulate sex, a sheriff's spokesman told the court. The shocked witnesses told the hotel manager who told the police. Stewart, according to the Telegraph, is not the first person convicted of sex with an inanimate object. In 1993, Kar Watkins, an electrician, was arrested for having sex with pavements in Redditch, England. (UPI)

Too soon

OOPS, I guess my return to the CX races was somewhat premature, as I have now REALLY screwed up my calf. It had been FEELING 100%, I even took the time to warm up before sundays race, but, the run-up hill on the first lap popped it AGAIN, not as painful this time around but now I have this groovy knot right under the skin. Once again it really doesn't hurt to ride but there will be NO RUNNING in the near future, so middlecross and jinglecross are officially OFF my schedule, the perfect way to end a perfect season. I shall now consume large quantities of STERZINGS potato chips, coke, and cheese until January 2008. For Sale: 2006 LeMond POPRAD Disc

Daylight time again...BAH!

Needless to say we all hate the fact thats its dark by 5:00pm now, but you couldn't ask for a better day Sunday weather-wise for early november. I took the CX bike on one lap of Dehn's, then headed west into the 20 mph headwind to Lake Geode for one lap of the trail out there. I think my average speed going west was MAYBE 12 mph, but heading back east it was 24, even saw NICK heading into the wind on my way home. Good enough for a 45+ mile day. My calf is getting better but running is still a painful experience so if I do try and race this weekend it'll be just gimpin to the finish, I just don't want to keep re-injuring that muscle...

Motivational Poster

The Author must have seen my races!

Cyclocross is the opposite of sex--if you're doing it right it hurts, and it's only fun before and after. In my time racing cyclocross I've learned some tips for dealing with that nasty in-between part, which I present to you herewith. I won't say they'll make you a better racer--the way I race puts the "can't" back in "cantis"--but I guarantee they'll make you a better loser: Know When And Where The Race Is Eddy Merckx famously said, "The Tour de France is won in bed." Cyclocross races, however, are not won in bed, since misreading the schedule, sleeping in, and arriving after your race has begun tends to winnow your chances down considerably. Furthermore, as I've cited before, Woody Allen once said, "90% of success is just showing up." Of course, that still leaves a 10% window for failure, since I've showed up at cyclocross races and not succeeded innumerable times. I will say though that 100% of failure is not showing up, because it's tough to be competitive when your race is starting and you're 30 miles from the venue because you Mapquested the wrong address. Don't Pre-Ride the Course Yes, you read that right. While this bit of advice flies counter to every bit of cyclocross wisdom you're likely ever to hear, I've always believed that courting common wisdom is the path to complacency. I find that going in cold and flying blind can take the edge off the searing pain of those first few laps, since you're too busy being surprised to focus on how awful you feel. And dreading that terrible run-up for a half a lap can be demoralizing, while the shock of suddenly discovering it can give you that extra shot of adrenaline to get you over it. Complete unfamiliarity with the course can turn a killing field into a haunted hayride teeming with fun-filled surprises, thrills and spills at every turn. Do Not Have a Pit Bike This is another counterintuitive tactic. If you're like me, a crash or a mechanical problem comes as sweet relief. It's like a fire drill in school during a test. Suddenly, the pressure's off and there's no more pressure to perform. On the other hand, having another bicycle in the pit so that you can make a quick bike change and continue to race only expands the vast horizon of opportunity for you to lose. It's like getting one of those flu shots they give out at the office—how are you going to call in sick for a week when everybody knows you're immune? Never squander your inventory of excuses. Get a Bad Starting Position There are few things as embarrassing as getting a great starting position only to drop through the pack and completely fall apart on the first lap. Not only do your fellow racers notice, but so do the spectators. It's like you're an Alka-Seltzer and the race is a big glass of water, and everybody gets to watch your effervescent, frothy demise. But if you start the race in the back, you have nowhere to go but up. If you finish DFL, you can blame your start position. If you finish strong, you can point out how many places you had to make up and how high you would have placed if you'd started up front. Everybody hates a sandbagger, but everybody loves an underdog. Constantly Re-evaluate Your Goals As in everyday life, it's important to rationalize and to temper your expectations. Certainly you should start the race expecting to finish well. However, if you cling to that expectation you'll only be disappointed. So take the time each lap to analyze your position and re-structure your goals. If you find yourself slipping back, try to keep the guy behind you from passing you. If he does, try to hold his wheel. If you can't, repeat with the next guy. When there's nobody left, just wait, because eventually you'll get to experience the thrill of battling the race leader as you try to keep from being lapped. And if all else fails, comfort yourself with your superiority over the other riders in areas outside of racing. Sure, the guy who passed you just then was stronger than you, but there's no way he's better at cooking eggs than you. You're the Egg Master. "Chunk" the Race You may have heard of the memorization technique called "chunking," wherein you break large chunks of information up into smaller parts to make them easier to remember. Well, you should do that in cyclocross races as well. While a 'cross race seems short and appears to unfold faster than a Dahon on a Friday afternoon, it can feel like an eternity if you're actually in one. So like an alcoholic or someone getting paid by the hour to retile a bathroom, focus on completing one tiny section at a time. Like life, if you think about how much more you have left you can find yourself overwhelmed. Another "chunking" trick you can take from life is picking some small section of the course and convincing yourself you enjoy it. That way, you have something to look forward to each lap. It's like hating your job but looking forward to lunch. Ignore Your Surroundings As the race leaves you behind like a club-footed tuba player in a marching band, try not to pay attention to the announcer or the crowd. The announcer's spirited narration of the battle at the front will only serve to remind you how far back you are, especially when he starts describing the action on sections of the course you've just completed. Similarly, the crowd can be inadvertently discouraging as well. At first they'll cheer excitedly. But as you slip back the cheers become gradually less animated and more conciliatory, until they eventually devolve into the type of "you can do it!" sentiments generally reserved for "special" people, and then finally disappear altogether. Then, it's all about not getting passed by the riders warming up for the next race. Have Fun! That's right, this is supposed to be fun. So try to remember that as you struggle to keep your perfectly-cooked eggs down.

Halloweenie!

We spent Saturday Geocaching Our newest toy is a Garmin hand held I got off E-BAY, its pretty cool, there's actually two hidden in Dehn's (not by us) and a couple more around town. However, hiking through the hills did not do any GOOD things for my wounded calf muscle, neither did sundays Mountain Bike ride to Geode and back with one lap of the trails thrown in for a little more pain. Its been a long time since i've ridden 40+ miles and it felt like it. I think I'm going to add some running into my weekly schedule cause I'm starting to get that "old mans" trot going on. I spent the rest of Sunday watching FOOTBALL with my leg wrapped in ice and elevated...Oh, and we did mean things to pumkins as well HA HAHAAAH AHH AHAH HA Fall colors? Whistle the theme from "Halloween" while you carve Flash on! OOOOO spooky!

Stage 2 Calf strain, oh boy!

I can ride, but I can't run. Just tried a little "jog" and there is NO WAY I can jump barriers this weekend. That means I'll be missing out on the State Championship CX races this weekend. $#@^&***%@$# *#&^#%@*^%$#@!!!!!!! Hopefully if I don't try to do too much I can make Vande-Cross in November...$%%%^$@&*(&$+###@@$ &

BITCH BITCH BITCH...

Over the Barriers. The new B.O.D. woo hoo! Me riding my bike. Tracy Thompson likes racing his bike! Nick on HIS bike. Self portrait, ala Kerkove. Sunday morning I had 6 eggs...all over the side of my truck. fuckers. Sunday morning I realized I've gained ten pounds since september. Thar she blows. Sunday afternnoon I strained my right calf on the run up...now I can't walk. damn. Sunday afternoon I tried to "one Leg it" a Lap. Another 2007 DNF, thanks. Sunday afternoon Nick says my CX bike feels riding a STINGRAY. ha ha. Sunday night the Bronco's BEAT the Steelers...lucky. Monday morning my leg feels a little better. maybe I can still ride this week...

Psyclofest CX

Go to THE DICE SITE BABY for all the poop, I'm not even sure of the correct spelling for cyclofest, Pshycofest, syco...sicko sky whatever just BE THERE...Its supposed to be SUNNY this time, RRRRRRRRight.

SPOOKY CROSS

I missed the I74 festival cause I was singing with a "band", too many schmirnoffs and FAT TIRE ALE, I forgot the words to "Little Things" by BUSH...Um yeah... I did the CX 3/4 race. It was very muddy. My shoes are still wet. I like racing my cross bike. My barrier skilz suck. If I had taken my camera out in the rain I would post pictures. I may steal some if I have to. Cheers!

Wood is GOOD

This ain't the "New Yankee Workshop", but it is THREE new replacement bridges for Dehn's. Next up is a new surface for the "Bridge of Death", which when I walked it sunday has very little structural integrity left in the rotten plywood top, it'll have a 30" wide TREATED 2x10 SWEET riding surface...be VERY careful on the B.O.D. until then cause if the plywood snaps...(oh SNAP) it'll be UGLY. For my wood supplier; a BIG THANK YOU!

90+ degree's

One of my favorite "B" level roads off Stony Hollow, might as well grind the gravel and work on my fall sunburn lines too.

A Bridge too far?

Doing some maintenance this weekend, I didn't race in Peoria but thats another story I'll get to later, so, by not racing I decided to do some repair to the creek loop at Dehn's...You can get across but watch out for the three foot drop at the end!!! I have a WOOD source now so I'll finish it this week sometime. STAY TUNED! Before After, there IS a trail here Water logged and FUBAR God only knows how it got up the hill... Almost ready for bike traffic

THROWDOWN at the FARM

May be your last chance at XC glory for the year, serious course, friendly club, and all the dirt you can handle. Go To the PAMBA link "ON YER RIGHT" for all the poop...I actually RODE my mountain bike last night, almost forgot how fun that is at night under a full moon in the woods

Cross is Boss...(stole the pics from Moritz)

First race of the 'cross season, yeah I'm hooked. 2007 hasn't been kind to me however, as once AGAIN on the first lap I was trying to snooker everyone in the first corner around a traffic island and hit the curb, DOH!!! After I got back into my pedals I punched it to catch up setting about mid pack now, hard left into the first dismount and run up I'm feeling good, go for the re-mount, stand on the pedals and my chain had come off and twisted itself around my chain stay, DOUBLE DOH!!! Oh well, now I'm dead last and playin catch up. I did manage to catch a few and ran the rest of the race without screwing anything else up. Looking forward to the next one. I like movies, preferrably in the comfort of my living room but every now and again we'll hit up the big screen, BIG MISTAKE, some snot nosed kid behind us had never had the parental instruction to clear his clogged nasal passages, so for the first 45 minutes of "Resident Evil III", snuffaluffagus (which i began to call him) would sniffle up a big wad of snot every 30 seconds, I kid you not, It got so bad we moved over and behind him and could still hear it off in the distance. After watching so much violence and death I began a secret plan to dismember snuffy and stuff his fat ass into my empty popcorn bag...but the better angels of my nature took over and I spared his life (sigh*) Maybe I'll go with romantic comedys from now on.

Yeah thats how I roll...

Before I start whinning I'll let everyone know that the City of Burlington is "on board" with making Dehn's trails a legitimate reality WOO HOO! Sugar Bottom you ask? The FIRST MILE of the race I had already been passed by the single speeders who left 30 seconds behind the experts, at 1.2 miles I had dabbed the ground on two corners and I was coughing up some nastiness I'd rather not describe on this forum. 1.7 Miles and I pulled over to let ALL the sports by, once they had ridden past, I decided it was OK to leave my breakfast (off trail mind you). Being a trooper and knowing that my hacking fit was over, I decided to press on, at a little over mile 2.3 I put the bike down again trying to catch back on, it was about here that I had to walk because I was seriously going to have an accident before I made it back to the port-a-pottie, uh-oh, now that would be embarrassing. and i didn't want to pass out on the trail with my bibs full of ****... afraid to throw a leg back over my seat I weaved my way my way back to the start/finish line and DNF'ed. I had completed 3.2 miles of the 30 mile expert race, but i left everything I had on the field so to speak...I've ridden and raced with a cold before so I thought it would be no big deal, I should have known by the amount of sweating I was doing BEFORE the race even started something was wrong, needless to say I spent the rest of saturday and all sunday on the couch, although I did sneak in a couple miles on my cyclocross bike, maybe I can repair my wounded pride with a couple of CX races that are coming up...c'mon 2008! I'll post up some pics of some local XC hero's WHEN THIS STOOPID COMPUTER STARTS COOPERATING...

Labor Day Fun

ow OOOWWW!!! working the ropes! Camp run-a-muck I HATE camping at public campgrounds, too many people too close, and with the Mississippi at flood stage finding a secluded spot was going to be tuff. We settled on camping at the "primitive" sites in Palisades state park in savanna Illinois. We scored the LAST one available out of the three that they had, primitive means you hike in and carry EVERYTHING you need (including water)with you. If your in Colorado a two mile UPHILL hike is pretty normal, In the midwest its an anomally. 1.7 miles all uphill to campsite "B", actually a VERY nice place. All I could think about is what a cool downhill race this trail would make, especially the last/first 1/4 mile at what I'm guessing is a 12% grade. Also NO BIKES ALLOWED, but still, you could get a good 45 to 50 mph coming down the thing. Three tips; 1)don't forget your sleeping bags on the first hike up to your camp 2) No matter how tempting it may be, don't try to adjust a jet-boil campstove AFTER you've heated it up. 3)Climbing and rope work with three blistered fingers can be painful, however, one MUST NOT LET GO no matter what. Did my fastest lap at Geode for this year sunday, however, I'm still close to five minutes slower than my best ever time, must be gettin older faster than I thought.

Sound Advice

On another note, I'm meeting with the Burlington Parks Dept. next wednesday at Dehn's. Its their intention to do a GPS survey of our little trail, I want to use the opportunity to make the case that these trails are a city ASSET, and should be left AS IS. it would be nice to be able to hold events there, protect the area from developement or destruction from off road vechiles, help the City understand how unique this area really is. Maybe even secure some funding for trail maintenance issues, trail marking signs. We'll see what happens

You love me, you really love me...

I almost won an award Sunday. Unfortunately it would have been a "http://www.darwinawards.com/ "CHARLIE" I was attempting to dislodge approximately 300 feet of nasty hanging vines attached from a rather large branch laying on the trail to the very top of an old Oak 65 feet directly above me. My first attempt did nothing to break it loose, so I tried again, HARDER, maybe another 25 feet of vine and some smaller tree limbs started raining down but the majority of this mess was still sky high above me and I couldn't move it off the trail until I had enough slack in this twisted mess. I "Tazan-ed" again, this third try resulted in a tremendous snap overhead, I had broken the ENTIRE top of this Oak off and it was now accelerating towards me, according to Newton, at 30ft per second squared. Now I'm not the fastest guy in the woods but by the sound of this thing coming down I knew it had to be HUGE, what I ended up with was a pile of dead or dying vine three feet deep and a 30 foot section of dry Oak a foot in diameter to clean off the trail. Thank GOD I had moved my bike or it would have been smashed too, I'm sure I had inches to spare, but I would have been really depressed had I been killed, I can almost read my own nomination for my "Charlie" statue...

Karma and laziness