And just what do YOU do?

Its a question I've had to answer before. If you've ever experienced the joy of interviewing for the job you already have you'll know what I'm talking about. In our current economic climate its to be expected I guess, but the first one was a surreal nightmare. I have the feeling I'm going to do it all over again next week so I thought I'd have a little fun with it. Feel free to help me edit the following job description, I look forward to any helpful comments or constructive criticism(s). Lets see...At any given time I may be occupied with customer service, engineering, reception, purchasing, selling, quality, psychiatry, truancy, discipline, training or buying outdoor crap off e-bay. I administer pay, I dock pay. Simultaneously understanding and overpowering, I could be delivering or driving, directing or designing, decreeing or deciding, debating or denying, detached, engaged, enraged, enlightened, enthused or completely oblivious to everything or anyone within the building. I talk fast, I work fast, I take my time, I hurry up, and yes once in awhile yes means no and vice versa. I'm a communicator, a fabricator, a moderator and prognosticator, pliable, rigid and open to suggestion know matter how stupid it sounds. I program, promise, pander, push, plead, parade, parlay, promote, placate, pacify, provide, plan, and sometimes piss people off. I'm powerful and powerless pivoting on pointless if you'll pardon the pun. I've screwed stuff in, I've screwed stuff out, down and definitely up, at the very least I'm consistent. I'm grounded on a high perch. I have to sense the senseless, help the hopeless, guide the godless, buy the worthless, live off the kindness, and even use the useless if absolutely necessary. I'm all about safety too, don't stick your other hand in the machinery "Lefty", do not use a fork in the toaster "Electra", right foot gas, right foot brake, its the same one right? Watch your step, look up and live, look out below. Keep an eye out really doesn't mean that. The life you save may be your own, buckle up, lock out tag out unless of course we need it. Poison will poison you even if its only a little poisonous, don't play Russian roulette during break time; especially with an auto-loader, please don't stare at the arc welder, pretend that was your head, what do you mean what do I mean pretend? Band-aids may not staunch arterial bleeding. I have the equivalent of, and the experience to get certified as an MD, PHD, CPR, FR, CIA, SPC, ESQ, RX, DOT, USDA, OSHA, SAE, BBC, MSNBC, XP, MP, VD, BFD, WTF, and OMFG put together(LOL). As you have already surmised I truly am a unique individual just like everybody else, and I am the perfect candidate for my own position, and I can assure you this paradigm of behaviour will continue throughout my tenure, if you so choose to keep me in your employ. P.S. Wheres my bone-us?