Cross Country

The story your about to read is true, the following takes place between 2:00am Wednesday, and 2:00pm Thursday. Needing a more reliable vehicle I decided to see what was out there for sale at a decent price. I found it on e-bay (laughter), it was a 1995 Land Rover Discovery, described as mechanically sound with a few fixer upper problems. A Land Rover? In my price range? too good to be true. I bought it. Where was this fabulous "deal of the century" located? Why Newark New Jersey of course, a scant 950 miles from home, a long days drive, just a bit further than Estes Park Colorado I reasoned. I gave travelocity $146.32 for a ONE WAY ticket to the biggest City in North America. After bribing Scot and Megan with pork chops and poker they offered to give me a ride to the airport in Moline, we hit the road at 3:00am for my flight out. I divided the task into five stages. Stage 1; Make it to Newark New Jersey via Atlanta by 12:00 noon Wednesday. Stage 2; Use New Yorks mass transit system, subway-bus-train, to reach the sellers dealership. Stage 3; Make the deal, or turn around and leave. Stage 4; Drive an unknown, untested vehicle from the East coast back to Iowa before work on Friday. Stage 5; Live to tell the tale. Stage 1, the easiest because they won't let me fly the plane, I asked nicely. Stage 2, you've seen how gritty and dirty and bleak a N.Y. subway looks in countless movies. Gangs "taggin" every inch of their turf with messages only they can read, trash everywhere? Well that's not quite accurate, its MUCH WORSE!!! What you don't get from film is the stench, and the feel of the seats on a hot summer day, and being absolutely overwhelmed by the fact that I have NO idea where the hell I am, and less sure about where I'm going, But a kindly bus driver with a THICK Jersey accent got me to the train on time. Bus driver "where you from again"? Me "Iowa". Bus driver "yeah, Iowa. Ain't that where they grow potatoes?" Me "no Sir, that's Idaho". Bus driver talking loud enough the whole bus could hear now " WHATEVER, So you out in the big city all alone?" Me, "uh Yeah". Stage 3, The seller was two hours late for the meeting, I drove the thing for approx. 5 minutes, handed him a check. Stage 4, left around 9:00pm headed west on I-80, cheapest fuel is $3.10 in Pennsylvania. A V-8 Land Rover, full time 4X4, gets almost 15 mpg, Did I mention the seller forgot to bring the removable stereo face plate, instead, I'm listening for the dreaded "death rattle" that will end my adventure all too soon, it never comes and I pull over for a short nap during a monster storm in Ohio, its 3:30am Thursday morning when I close my eyes. 4:45am I'm going 80 mph, the truck is smooth but I'm gettin passed by EVERYBODY on the road, kinda like every race this year. Chicago is ALWAYS in a state of road work, today is no different. By now I'm not freaked about the way this truck drives on the freeway, lets give it the stop and go, stop and go for an hour and a half, during a torrential downpour test. So far so good, There's a bridge up ahead that looks like a big "H", I did not eat anything but a tobasco flavored slim jim and a bag of dorito's, except the FOUR gallons of truck stop coffee, Iowa NEVER looks as good. Its 2:30pm Thursday, I looked in the mirror when I got home, big mistake...Stage 5, sleeeeeeeeeppppy time. Who wants a 1987 Jeep Grand Wagoneer, mechanically sound, but a few fixer upper things????